Tag Archives: psychology

Penny for your thoughts

At some point in everyone’s life, there is a moment… or two or three, where your brain is so overcome that it just stops spinning. All gears, wheels and pulleys come to a screeching halt, the bells and whistles no longer making any noise.

There’s nothingness, it’s bleak, baron, and devoid of all life. Everything goes silent, but the kind of silent that feels wrong, like something is waiting for you, just out of sight in the dark. Waiting to pounce the second you turn your back on it. But ever so slowly, the light inside seems to flicker on, waiting, waiting for the electricity to come back to full power. I can almost see it, hanging in the middle of an empty room barley lit up, but trying desperately to work and do its job.

What thought is it that turns the power back on? There’s always that one, seemingly small thing you cling to to come back to reality. Why does it seem like that one tiny thing, while it has the strength to bring you to life, also kills you? It’s so good, but so heartbreaking at the same time. Never the less, you cling to that thought while everything else around you seems to spin so out of control trying to get back to the right place after the momentary shut down.

 

I honestly have no idea if this just happens to me or not, but wanting to get ones thoughts out of their own head is usually a good first step into figuring out what’s going on. Psychologically, that doesn’t sound like a real healthy thing in a persons life, considering I fibbed a smidgeon and it happens to me at least once a week. It’s only a few seconds in real people time, but feels like about an hour to me, struggling with the inner turmoil and trying to pull myself back together.

 

I realize it’s been a very long time since I last wrote anything, and I’m sure there’s a reason for that. I first started this blog-y thing because of all the conflicting thoughts that needed an escape route. I stopped because I was happy-for the most part-, but something has changed, whether inside my head or not, I haven’t figured out yet. If it’s just the holiday stress sneaking up on me, or something different.

 

But, until next time,

With love,

Sirius

Advertisements

Mental, Physical and Life Tolls…. Of Emotions

Sweaty palms, racing heart, feeling like there’s a whole zoo of animals racing through your stomach, visibly shaking from head to toe, ice running in your veins… Why is this the effect of emotions on us?

We can go from being happy and laughing, to wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball on the floor and cry until there’s nothing left to cry about.

But there are some people, like me for example, who are very bad at expressing any emotions that isn’t anger. Anger and I, we’ve had a long, stupid, complicated relationship. Most people I meet don’t know anything different from me, and as much as I try and try, I can’t help that.I vaguely remember a quote- “The first thing we think is taught, the second is who we want to be.” Something along those lines.

The way my brain is, the first thing I think when I want to cry or be sad, grateful or elated is “Bad”. Any emotion is bad. But, the second thing I think to myself is- “No, it’s okay, you can do that.”

Sometimes I forget that though. For a very long time; I forget that. I bottle everything up until it all just explodes out of me at the most unexpected moments. All the sorrow, grief, happiness, sentiment, fear, pity, envy, love… Shame. I scream, cry, break things. I put my fist through a window a few years ago… I tried boxing… That lasted a week until I busted all the seems on the bag. But mostly, I cry. Which as one can sort of expect, leaves a persons so drained, so exhausted, that you may as well be a zombie. After everything is done, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I ignore my friends, I turn into a horrible dog parent, and I want nothing more than to sleep.

This is a very destructive behavior. It’s ruined relationships for me- I’ve had break downs so bad that my doctor suggested I see a therapist and a behaviorist, basically everything sort of sending me to the nut house. As a result, that’s why I’m writing these blogs, to try and work through this. So, to the guy who put up with this for a very long time, and then gave up because I couldn’t explain what was happening- Thank you, I really do mean it. I just wish I could find the courage to tell you why I’m like this. Am I angry that it ended the way it did? You bet your god damned ass I am, I am so mad at you.. that you left me. I understand why you did though. I’m mad at myself also, so don’t worry about that. ┬áMind you, this was a lifetime ago, this wound still feels new to me.

When you are the way I am, people will think you’re an awful person, dark humor, sarcasm in almost every sentence you say, to the point where people can’t tell if I’m joking or not. Sometimes I can’t even tell. However…. Despite all this negativity, there is an upside, believe it or not. For as horribly strong as the negative is, the positive is just as strong. It’s definitely not as often as the anger, but it happens. I’m so happy, so bubbly, that my co-works freak out a little bit, asking what happened to me, are you okay? Why are you so happy? It make’s me feel bad, that this is what they say, “Why am I happy?” That they only know me as being the “angry smurf” nickname I live up to.

I try so hard to be happy. People don’t know how hard it is, to fake something like that all the time. To have all this built up inside, have it eating away at me, knowing I’m burning the candle at both ends- trying to contain it while trying to be positive for the benefit of others. The weight of it all mentally, knowing that I’m better then this. Remembering a time in my life where I wasn’t like this.

People will tell you to “just get over it”, “just don’t think like that”, my personal favorite “It’s all in your head, just stop”. Yes, it is in my head… That’s how mental illness works… I can’t just… “Stop”.

To everyone who knows me now and sticks by me.. Thank you so much. You have no idea what it’s like to have friends like that. To have lost so many of the friends I grew up with because they got sick of my crap, it’s disheartening. I try so hard to be a good person, and friend but I know I suck most of the time.

To everyone who has yet to met me- please… just be patient. I’m a tough nut to crack, but… I think I’m worth it…

 

So, if you’ve skimmed the story to this point, read this if nothing else. If you know a person who sounds like me, please don’t give up on them. Don’t. Even when things are really bad, even when they push you away. Even when the scream and yell at you. Even if they say they hate you and don’t need you… They do. More than they know, they need someone. But… Don’t be pushy about it. Tell them that you’ll always be there no matter what happens, or how long it’s been since you’ve talked or seen them. Tell them that, and give them space. Not an hour, not a day, maybe a week, maybe a month. When they feel that everything is under control again, they’ll reach out if they feel safe around you.

I promise.

 

With love,

Sirius

Toxic Sweetness

How much is too much? How much can you stand to be pushed, pulled and stretched until you reach the point when you snap and call everything quits? How much mental manipulation can you listen to, knowing full well what someone is trying to do to you while you just stand there and take it, because you care so much for them? Trying so hard to be there for them, help them in the worst situation they’ve been in, in a very long time. Try to console them when, time after time, they come to you crying? Knowing that they use you and your relationship to lie and cheat on significant people in their lives. Using the small humans they have as pawns in the game. When they call you knowing full well that they are on the shit list for a bit, but having the kids say “Oh we miss you, we miss you. Mommy misses you. Why haven’t we seen you?”

The thing with these types of people, is they think it’s normal. Constantly lying to you, people you know, people they live with- it’s normal. Unhealthy. These type’s of situations are plainly and simply unhealthy for everyone involved. When being the outside perspective; you can see everything that’s happening, and trying to get the ones involved to see it to, is next to impossible. Repeating the same thing over and over and over…and over, while all the time not being able to figure out what’s wrong is- by definition- insanity.

Trying to be friends with these types of people is hard. Because no matter what, you want to help them- while they are begging for it- but in the end will never help themselves. This is the equivalent of trying to pick up and move a brick wall. When being your friend is only good when it is convenient for them, or they can get something out of it.

What is the final straw in a situation like this? Is it when you no longer care? When their backwards way of thinking turns around and blames you for all the problems? Or when you just…. Give up completely? When the thought of them makes you more angry than anything, or when you no longer read the news while thinking “Today is the day, it’s the day I’ll see you on the front page, body found.”

I’d like to leave everyone on a happy note… But today, I don’t think I can find one.

It’s not the most eloquent thing I’ve ever written, so apologies for that.

 

Normally I would say “With love”, but today I’ll just say…

With all the caring I can manage,

Sirius