Tag Archives: Life

Unexpected moments

Painting

Have you ever had a day where you said “Screw everything, I don’t want to adult today”, called in sick to work and just went on adventures?

Today was that day for me.

I’m a fairly hippy dippy person, I like finding pretty places to just sit and look at things. Flowers, trees, parks, gardens, rivers, lakes etc. So today, I went to the zoo and garden… mostly one of the garden areas. It’s a really pretty place that everyone is fairly quite in, not a lot of screaming children or young teens being obnoxious in, also is a great spot for wedding pictures- which is used frequently for that purpose.

So, as I’m happily sitting in the dirt among the flowers, watching the little hummingbird bees flying around, the dragon flies, ducks swimming and just messing with the little pebbles, I notice a man at the end of the walk way painting. Awesome! It’s a really beautiful place, lots of people go to paint, draw, or if you’re me- photograph it.

I was sitting there for a long, happy time. I’m a curious little thing though, I want to see what the man is painting. So, I happily get up walk over and start chatting with him… Only to notice he put me in the painting… Sitting in the flowers… I feel bad that I didn’t catch his name, he was a very nice man.

That one little thing… Made me so happy. It’s just a blob of blue, black, and tan, but for some reason it makes me happy.

 

Why is it the little, most unexpected things can make a person happy? Does something this small make other people just as happy? Or do they not care? I try to do little things for the people I care about, but most of the time it goes unnoticed. I will always still try though. Because… Happy… Happy is a wonderful thing.

 

With love,

Sirius

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Mental, Physical and Life Tolls…. Of Emotions

Sweaty palms, racing heart, feeling like there’s a whole zoo of animals racing through your stomach, visibly shaking from head to toe, ice running in your veins… Why is this the effect of emotions on us?

We can go from being happy and laughing, to wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball on the floor and cry until there’s nothing left to cry about.

But there are some people, like me for example, who are very bad at expressing any emotions that isn’t anger. Anger and I, we’ve had a long, stupid, complicated relationship. Most people I meet don’t know anything different from me, and as much as I try and try, I can’t help that.I vaguely remember a quote- “The first thing we think is taught, the second is who we want to be.” Something along those lines.

The way my brain is, the first thing I think when I want to cry or be sad, grateful or elated is “Bad”. Any emotion is bad. But, the second thing I think to myself is- “No, it’s okay, you can do that.”

Sometimes I forget that though. For a very long time; I forget that. I bottle everything up until it all just explodes out of me at the most unexpected moments. All the sorrow, grief, happiness, sentiment, fear, pity, envy, love… Shame. I scream, cry, break things. I put my fist through a window a few years ago… I tried boxing… That lasted a week until I busted all the seems on the bag. But mostly, I cry. Which as one can sort of expect, leaves a persons so drained, so exhausted, that you may as well be a zombie. After everything is done, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I ignore my friends, I turn into a horrible dog parent, and I want nothing more than to sleep.

This is a very destructive behavior. It’s ruined relationships for me- I’ve had break downs so bad that my doctor suggested I see a therapist and a behaviorist, basically everything sort of sending me to the nut house. As a result, that’s why I’m writing these blogs, to try and work through this. So, to the guy who put up with this for a very long time, and then gave up because I couldn’t explain what was happening- Thank you, I really do mean it. I just wish I could find the courage to tell you why I’m like this. Am I angry that it ended the way it did? You bet your god damned ass I am, I am so mad at you.. that you left me. I understand why you did though. I’m mad at myself also, so don’t worry about that.  Mind you, this was a lifetime ago, this wound still feels new to me.

When you are the way I am, people will think you’re an awful person, dark humor, sarcasm in almost every sentence you say, to the point where people can’t tell if I’m joking or not. Sometimes I can’t even tell. However…. Despite all this negativity, there is an upside, believe it or not. For as horribly strong as the negative is, the positive is just as strong. It’s definitely not as often as the anger, but it happens. I’m so happy, so bubbly, that my co-works freak out a little bit, asking what happened to me, are you okay? Why are you so happy? It make’s me feel bad, that this is what they say, “Why am I happy?” That they only know me as being the “angry smurf” nickname I live up to.

I try so hard to be happy. People don’t know how hard it is, to fake something like that all the time. To have all this built up inside, have it eating away at me, knowing I’m burning the candle at both ends- trying to contain it while trying to be positive for the benefit of others. The weight of it all mentally, knowing that I’m better then this. Remembering a time in my life where I wasn’t like this.

People will tell you to “just get over it”, “just don’t think like that”, my personal favorite “It’s all in your head, just stop”. Yes, it is in my head… That’s how mental illness works… I can’t just… “Stop”.

To everyone who knows me now and sticks by me.. Thank you so much. You have no idea what it’s like to have friends like that. To have lost so many of the friends I grew up with because they got sick of my crap, it’s disheartening. I try so hard to be a good person, and friend but I know I suck most of the time.

To everyone who has yet to met me- please… just be patient. I’m a tough nut to crack, but… I think I’m worth it…

 

So, if you’ve skimmed the story to this point, read this if nothing else. If you know a person who sounds like me, please don’t give up on them. Don’t. Even when things are really bad, even when they push you away. Even when the scream and yell at you. Even if they say they hate you and don’t need you… They do. More than they know, they need someone. But… Don’t be pushy about it. Tell them that you’ll always be there no matter what happens, or how long it’s been since you’ve talked or seen them. Tell them that, and give them space. Not an hour, not a day, maybe a week, maybe a month. When they feel that everything is under control again, they’ll reach out if they feel safe around you.

I promise.

 

With love,

Sirius

Social Dynamics of Validation

Have you ever thought about why we all subconsciously strive for validation, even from complete strangers?

Why is it when we do things like post a picture for example, we sit there waiting for someone to like it, or comment on it. Even a picture not of you, something simple, like a feather. Even though you took the picture, you know it’s good and beautiful in your eyes, you still wait for someone to agree with you.  Why do humans think like this?

Oh what, you think you’ve never done that? Well think about it for a minute. Have you asked someone if that outfit looks good on you, if your new hair cut is good, if someone likes your new tattoo? Yes? Well then, you’ve looked for validation. Do we not trust our own judgment? Is that why we do it?

It’s not a bad thing really, but if your life gets to the point where you can’t do anything without someone else’s say so… Well… That’s not a healthy way to live. I have found myself asking others’ opinions on things that they shouldn’t have an opinion on, like my one of my tattoos, one of the more visible that I have. I was asking my sister who went with me what she thought. I was sending pictures to my mom asking her opinion. She wasn’t answering me for about half an hour, and I was happy with the way it looked. You know what happened? She said she didn’t like this one big part of it, and after everything was all said and done? It has ended up being my favorite part.

The take away I learned from that experience? That while other people can give you their opinion, yours is the only one that matters at the end of the day. Your life, your choices. People can’t make choices for you. You can be influenced by them, absolutely, but at the end of the day, You made the choice.

I’m not sure what brought this train of thought on tonight, but it’s very interesting to think about. Have humans always been this way? Has it gotten worse the more social media grows? Having access to millions of people world wide without having to leave your house? I would think that, if nothing else, that has pushed us into looking for approval more. Being able to say or post a picture of something we have/done for basically the world to see, instantly?

 

While seeking approval and validation is good for somethings, don’t let it consume your life.

 

With love,

Sirius FeatherFeather2Orangeflower2

 

 

Have you ever walked through an area, thinking it’s devoid of life, only to sit and wait quietly for a few moments to discover all this little creatures and insects? Opening your eyes as you walk, not just lost in thought and see the little snail on the path in front of you, or the damsel fly’s who are hiding in the plants because they’re afraid you’re going to eat them, because to them, you are nothing but a big scary thing that’ll swoop down and catch them.

At times like this, I start to think about the huge important life that little bug has. Oh? It’s just a bug and it’s life is short and insignificant? Well….. So are our lives. I don’t mean that in the sense that life isn’t worth something, but think about all the people who have lived in the past that you don’t know about. No faces, no names, but you know they were there. Their progress in life is the proof that they lived.

Like insects, we’re born, we live, we build a place to live, we reproduce, we die. It’s just the way life goes, from the beginning of time that’s how it’s worked. Sure, you can say that they are people who’ve made a difference in the world through history, that’s true. But out of the approximate 107 Billion people who’ve lived on this earth, it’s a small percentage of folks who get their name known for something.  What does this have to do with bugs you ask?… I have no idea either, just my train of thought for the day.

So to end on a happy note that doesn’t feel so gloomy; Think about your life for a minute, pick some incredibly crazy thing to do today or maybe tomorrow, make life exciting. Run down the street in your underwear, kiss a total stranger, adopt a pet, quit the job you hate, move across the country! To quote the Queen here “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

 

With love,

Sirius