Tag Archives: Happiness

(Missing) Moon of my life

There’s a saying that I’ve had running in and out of my mind lately; Love someone who doesn’t love you back- you will die daily. I’m not sure where this came from, but I’ve found, so far in my life, that it’s true.

Why is it we are like this? The logical part of our brain says “No, don’t do this. This is not going to work. This person is not yours to love. This person is not yours to miss. Be reasonable, c’mon, Heart will love us better if you just listen to me. It’ll save so much agony.” But… I ignored Logic for Heart instead. Because life is short, I want to feel for this one specific person, of all the people on this world, I want This Person. I read something a while back that went along the lines of “Our ribs are cages because our hearts are wild animals, it must be contained.” I never fully and truly understood that until last year.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a very closed off person, I never “dated” as a young person or teen. There were a handful- and by handful I mean 2- people I ever really liked. The first one… She broke my heart. But not like the way lovers do, the heart break you can feel coming, you see it from a mile away and yet still stand there and let it crush you. She broke my heart as a friend, which is- in my opinion worse. So, Lucky number 2, he was different, I knew going into it that nothing good would come of it. But, I listened to Heart, and Heart wanted it. I don’t regret either one, just to clarify if that’s how it sounds.

It wasn’t until I was almost 20 that I chose to start listening to Heart for once, which is what lead me to Lucky number 2. He’s different to Heart, Brain knows he’s not good for me, but that pesky Heart… I think Lucky is part of my problem lately, not directly of course… well maybe a little. That situation still has that unfinished, unsatisfied feeling all this time later. So much that was left unsaid, and I wish I could change it, but Lucky has a life, is engaged, and I will not go rock the boat with the petty little things I want to say to him.¬† I’m not sure why he started with me, maybe knowing how much I’d been crushing on him for so long. Maybe because it was “just for fun.” Maybe he thought I’d be a fun side toy, I honestly don’t know, I wish I did.

So, this is what Brain had warned me about in the beginning. This is what Heart overlooked because it wanted to let someone in… to not feel all alone for a while. So to try and ignore the hurt, I turn off inside, the numbness is peaceful but lonely. Sometimes though… I forgot to not feel, and the raw emotions of it is so overpowering, all of it from this time with him comes out- excitement, fear, joy, dread, the anticipation, the playfulness and daring of it. The hundred other things he made me feel for a while that I can’t even begin to name. One thing I never tell anyone… Is just how much I miss it-him. Like hell I’ll ever actually tell him that, even though that would probably solve a lot of the emotional turmoil I have. Because, the way I was raised, that would be considered weak, and I am not weak… usually.

 

In my head, everything I say makes sense and doesn’t sound this cheesy, but hey, whatever works right? So, just for fun, if you made it this far into my thoughts, what would you do in my situation?…

 

Moon.1 With love,

Sirius

(Something pretty to look at, because who knew it would be so hard to find the moon of my life?)

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Unexpected moments

Painting

Have you ever had a day where you said “Screw everything, I don’t want to adult today”, called in sick to work and just went on adventures?

Today was that day for me.

I’m a fairly hippy dippy person, I like finding pretty places to just sit and look at things. Flowers, trees, parks, gardens, rivers, lakes etc. So today, I went to the zoo and garden… mostly one of the garden areas. It’s a really pretty place that everyone is fairly quite in, not a lot of screaming children or young teens being obnoxious in, also is a great spot for wedding pictures- which is used frequently for that purpose.

So, as I’m happily sitting in the dirt among the flowers, watching the little hummingbird bees flying around, the dragon flies, ducks swimming and just messing with the little pebbles, I notice a man at the end of the walk way painting. Awesome! It’s a really beautiful place, lots of people go to paint, draw, or if you’re me- photograph it.

I was sitting there for a long, happy time. I’m a curious little thing though, I want to see what the man is painting. So, I happily get up walk over and start chatting with him… Only to notice he put me in the painting… Sitting in the flowers… I feel bad that I didn’t catch his name, he was a very nice man.

That one little thing… Made me so happy. It’s just a blob of blue, black, and tan, but for some reason it makes me happy.

 

Why is it the little, most unexpected things can make a person happy? Does something this small make other people just as happy? Or do they not care? I try to do little things for the people I care about, but most of the time it goes unnoticed. I will always still try though. Because… Happy… Happy is a wonderful thing.

 

With love,

Sirius