Social Dynamics of Validation

Have you ever thought about why we all subconsciously strive for validation, even from complete strangers?

Why is it when we do things like post a picture for example, we sit there waiting for someone to like it, or comment on it. Even a picture not of you, something simple, like a feather. Even though you took the picture, you know it’s good and beautiful in your eyes, you still wait for someone to agree with you.  Why do humans think like this?

Oh what, you think you’ve never done that? Well think about it for a minute. Have you asked someone if that outfit looks good on you, if your new hair cut is good, if someone likes your new tattoo? Yes? Well then, you’ve looked for validation. Do we not trust our own judgment? Is that why we do it?

It’s not a bad thing really, but if your life gets to the point where you can’t do anything without someone else’s say so… Well… That’s not a healthy way to live. I have found myself asking others’ opinions on things that they shouldn’t have an opinion on, like my one of my tattoos, one of the more visible that I have. I was asking my sister who went with me what she thought. I was sending pictures to my mom asking her opinion. She wasn’t answering me for about half an hour, and I was happy with the way it looked. You know what happened? She said she didn’t like this one big part of it, and after everything was all said and done? It has ended up being my favorite part.

The take away I learned from that experience? That while other people can give you their opinion, yours is the only one that matters at the end of the day. Your life, your choices. People can’t make choices for you. You can be influenced by them, absolutely, but at the end of the day, You made the choice.

I’m not sure what brought this train of thought on tonight, but it’s very interesting to think about. Have humans always been this way? Has it gotten worse the more social media grows? Having access to millions of people world wide without having to leave your house? I would think that, if nothing else, that has pushed us into looking for approval more. Being able to say or post a picture of something we have/done for basically the world to see, instantly?


While seeking approval and validation is good for somethings, don’t let it consume your life.


With love,

Sirius FeatherFeather2Orangeflower2


….Monster, the horrific story.

There is a story that has been haunting me almost every day for months. It’s the story of a cat named Monster, a very sweet boy who met a very tragic end way to early.  I think it’s time I shared it with you, mainly because… Well, I don’t know.
*If you are sensitive to fairly…. descriptive things, I’d recommend not reading, or skipping a few parts.*

So first things first in this story, the clinic I work at is very…. old school. We have been trying to bring it into the 21st century, but when old guys are stuck in their ways, its hard to voice any ideas, especially when one is a young female in this work place.

A few months ago Monster come in as an emergency, he had a huge inguinal hernia, abdominal muscles were absolutely shredded, and his pancreas had- for lack of better wording here- exploded. For the benefit of those people who aren’t well versed in medical terminology, it’s when tissues in the groin push through a weak area or areas in the abdominal muscles… That combined with the tissues already having sustained major trauma already, meant is was really ugly.  

Dr. E  did really good putting this poor guy back together. Monster stayed at the clinic with us being very closely monitored- because an injury like this could easily become infected- for about a week before he was sent home. He mad amazing progress in healing and was happily eating and drinking.  Discharge instructions were to keep him on antibiotics, twice a day for another two weeks.
Not 5 damn days later, he’s back. His mom “forgot” to give him the medication. So now he has a massive infection and does not look good at all. Keep in kind, this wound is about 7in X 5in spreading a crossed his entire abdomen because…. Infection spreads like wildfire . Old school vet clinic that it is, there no wound vac, his whole abdomen is…. bad. So he gets all medicated and we keep a close eye on him.
The Day our primary vet Dr. E is leaving for vacation, he takes a turn for the worst. Because isn’t that just how life works?

Apparently no one had bothered to check on him all morning, so when afternoon shift goes in we do our normal routine of checking- I do the dogs and Jess does the cats.

 Jess comes running into the lobby freaking out because what is left of his tissue has rotted away and we can now see his insides -the terminology for something like that happening to the tissues is called slough, for anyone who cares. Seeing as Dr. E is gone, the mostly retired Dr. G is “taking care of” all Dr. E’s clients. 
*Side note that’s good to know to understand this dynamic a little bit better
Dr. G is about 150 years old, and still thinks like an old school farm vet. No care to upgrade the clinic or practice, and doesn’t keep up with new studies, medication, ways of doing anything. I’m talking file x-rays… and *Gag* carpet in the lobby. Anyway, back to our story.
Dr. G proceeds to stick his fingers in Monsters open wound and twiddle around… with clients standing there horrified watching. The screams the cat made, it was like nothing I’ve ever heard. If there is a sound I never wish to heard in my life, it’s that.

I immediately call Dr. E to see where he is and if he can just come look at kitty, and call Monsters’ mom to come down.  Meanwhile, Dr. G goes in the back and starts poking around at kitty with no anesthetic- and I mean shoving guts back and forth, and making his insides squish around, I got a really good view of his liver for a minute, that’s who bad we’re talking.

After about 10 minutes of poking Dr. E shows up and pretty much goes “Oh ew, that’s bad” and then leaves. After me basically screaming that unless this cat goes to a state of the art clinic- like the one 10 minutes from us, there’s nothing we can do to fix it. Dr. G is honest to god standing there trying to sew this poor thing back together! Infected skin to infected skin, no gloves, and manages to wrap the sutures around the intestines before the skin gives way in a horrid ripping sound that there are no word’s to describe. The whole time this cat is crying in pain BECAUSE NO ANESTHETIC!

His mom arrives and said “no, he’s in too much pain, I don’t think its fair he should go through this.” Good choice lady. As is the logical thing to do, now we’re trying to get kitty to pass on and Dr. G just left in the middle of this. Myself and two others are the only ones there, and this cat won’t jut let go! His blood pressure was so low that the solution won’t travel to his heart. It took injecting it directly to get him to pass on. We just stand there in complete and utter shock looking at this mess for a good 2 minutes before we start slowly cleaning up everything. 

So, if you’ve made it this far in my story, I am sorry if it scars you a little, but you wen’t there. I have nightmares about this. 

I think the reason I have to share this is just that; I still have nightmares about this cat. I just need to get it our of my head and on paper, well not really paper.
This is the situation that made me start questioning my job at this clinic, and ever since  I’ve just seen things get progressively worse and worse.
With as much caring as I can manage,

Toxic Sweetness

How much is too much? How much can you stand to be pushed, pulled and stretched until you reach the point when you snap and call everything quits? How much mental manipulation can you listen to, knowing full well what someone is trying to do to you while you just stand there and take it, because you care so much for them? Trying so hard to be there for them, help them in the worst situation they’ve been in, in a very long time. Try to console them when, time after time, they come to you crying? Knowing that they use you and your relationship to lie and cheat on significant people in their lives. Using the small humans they have as pawns in the game. When they call you knowing full well that they are on the shit list for a bit, but having the kids say “Oh we miss you, we miss you. Mommy misses you. Why haven’t we seen you?”

The thing with these types of people, is they think it’s normal. Constantly lying to you, people you know, people they live with- it’s normal. Unhealthy. These type’s of situations are plainly and simply unhealthy for everyone involved. When being the outside perspective; you can see everything that’s happening, and trying to get the ones involved to see it to, is next to impossible. Repeating the same thing over and over and over…and over, while all the time not being able to figure out what’s wrong is- by definition- insanity.

Trying to be friends with these types of people is hard. Because no matter what, you want to help them- while they are begging for it- but in the end will never help themselves. This is the equivalent of trying to pick up and move a brick wall. When being your friend is only good when it is convenient for them, or they can get something out of it.

What is the final straw in a situation like this? Is it when you no longer care? When their backwards way of thinking turns around and blames you for all the problems? Or when you just…. Give up completely? When the thought of them makes you more angry than anything, or when you no longer read the news while thinking “Today is the day, it’s the day I’ll see you on the front page, body found.”

I’d like to leave everyone on a happy note… But today, I don’t think I can find one.

It’s not the most eloquent thing I’ve ever written, so apologies for that.


Normally I would say “With love”, but today I’ll just say…

With all the caring I can manage,





Have you ever walked through an area, thinking it’s devoid of life, only to sit and wait quietly for a few moments to discover all this little creatures and insects? Opening your eyes as you walk, not just lost in thought and see the little snail on the path in front of you, or the damsel fly’s who are hiding in the plants because they’re afraid you’re going to eat them, because to them, you are nothing but a big scary thing that’ll swoop down and catch them.

At times like this, I start to think about the huge important life that little bug has. Oh? It’s just a bug and it’s life is short and insignificant? Well….. So are our lives. I don’t mean that in the sense that life isn’t worth something, but think about all the people who have lived in the past that you don’t know about. No faces, no names, but you know they were there. Their progress in life is the proof that they lived.

Like insects, we’re born, we live, we build a place to live, we reproduce, we die. It’s just the way life goes, from the beginning of time that’s how it’s worked. Sure, you can say that they are people who’ve made a difference in the world through history, that’s true. But out of the approximate 107 Billion people who’ve lived on this earth, it’s a small percentage of folks who get their name known for something.  What does this have to do with bugs you ask?… I have no idea either, just my train of thought for the day.

So to end on a happy note that doesn’t feel so gloomy; Think about your life for a minute, pick some incredibly crazy thing to do today or maybe tomorrow, make life exciting. Run down the street in your underwear, kiss a total stranger, adopt a pet, quit the job you hate, move across the country! To quote the Queen here “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”


With love,




Midnight thoughts

In contemplating the world, one always makes it around to things like deja vu and soulmates.

Why do we experience deja vu at the most random moments? Why when I was putting the bowl of raspberries down next to my computer and taking my shirt off did I go, wait, what, why did that feel so strange? Or walking down the driveway and thinking about a dream from many years ago that I haven’t thought about for a long time, did I have the feeling that  I’ve already done that?

If you look up the definition of the phrase, it means “the feeling of already lived through” something. But… Why do we have this feeling?! What purpose does it serve? These are the types of questions that are nearly impossible to answer. Yes, you can say it’s because you’ve already done it before, which does help- a little-, but why do we dream things that will happen? HOW do we do that?

Soulmates?! Why… why does this subject cause so many arguments? I’m a firm believer that there is one person somewhere that is undeniably perfect for you. Weather you find them or not… that’s a whole other topic. In Plato’s: The Symposium, there is a quote that I first read at a young age and have always thought about- “According the Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves”. This has always been in the forefront of my mind when in the dating scene as an adult. If you do have to search for the One person… How many people do you have to meet before you find them?

But, on the scientific side of things, maybe soulmates are just the atoms that were next to each other when the universe was created, trying to find their way back.

How are you suppose to know who that one person is though? Is it the person you had a crush on in first grade? The ex you have that you swore you’d never let back in after they broke you for the last time, but you still get a jolt of happiness when you pass them on the street? Or is it the person you’re talking to on the internet right now, that you’ve never even met in person? I think what scares me the most, is we never really know, we just have to close our eyes… and jump. There’s always going to be self doubt with every decision we make, hoping it’s right while the excitement of what you’re about to do is turning butterflies in your stomach.

What will you regret more in life? What you did… Or what you didn’t do? It’s a question everyone will ask themselves… and have an answer for someday. All you can do now is… Hope.


With love,


Picturesque little things



So, as one does trying to find inner peace for even a few moments, I’m trying to explore different options as to what makes a specific person happy. Seeing as murder is sort of frowned on, the logical answer was to try photography!

A few of my pictures make it to facebook, but most just stay on the computer. The thing I really like trying to get pictures of, even though it can be frustrating, is bugs! No idea why, it’s just a good feeling of getting that one perfectly clear picture, right before the little guy-usually- flies away.

After a crazy day dealing with people screaming at you, complete and utter chaos, and grown adults acting like children, its nice to get out in the peace and quite… more or less. The smell of fresh earth, not medical grade chemicals. The cool breeze on your face,  not the same stuffy air you’ve had to put up with because there are no windows that open. Listening to the sound of water running through the river, not the dog in kennel 4A whose been coughing up a storm all day. Feeling the tension just melt away… I don’t think there are words to do it justice.

So, in the future, when someone laughs at me again for crawling around in the dirt, nearly going backwards because I’m walking so slow looking at the plants for the perfect picture, I will just laugh along with them, because I now why I do this, and they… Don’t.

The moral to this little bit of rambling is: Do what makes you happy. No one can take the joy away from you. People may not understand and that’s okay, they don’t have to.


With love,


Blogging take 2!

I never know how to start these, so I’ll just jump right in, shall I?


My life is not exciting, cool or very fun, but I like to write to get things off my chest. I’m currently the office manager for a vet clinic so I have lots of strange stories like all vet professionals. Some are sort of gruesome, and if I ever make it to wanting to share those, there will definitely be a warning.

I have my own set of issues I’m working through, like everyone on the planet. Complicated love life, next to no social life, a metric crap ton of medical problems, and I’m okay with that.

One thing that makes me happy: photography. So… Be prepared for some of that. I love my dogs, and food. Food is magic. A few friends, even fewer close friends, and then the like, 2 people I actually care about.

So, as an introduction… again, not bad? I’ll leave it at that for now.

With love,