Toxic Sweetness

How much is too much? How much can you stand to be pushed, pulled and stretched until you reach the point when you snap and call everything quits? How much mental manipulation can you listen to, knowing full well what someone is trying to do to you while you just stand there and take it, because you care so much for them? Trying so hard to be there for them, help them in the worst situation they’ve been in, in a very long time. Try to console them when, time after time, they come to you crying? Knowing that they use you and your relationship to lie and cheat on significant people in their lives. Using the small humans they have as pawns in the game. When they call you knowing full well that they are on the shit list for a bit, but having the kids say “Oh we miss you, we miss you. Mommy misses you. Why haven’t we seen you?”

The thing with these types of people, is they think it’s normal. Constantly lying to you, people you know, people they live with- it’s normal. Unhealthy. These type’s of situations are plainly and simply unhealthy for everyone involved. When being the outside perspective; you can see everything that’s happening, and trying to get the ones involved to see it to, is next to impossible. Repeating the same thing over and over and over…and over, while all the time not being able to figure out what’s wrong is- by definition- insanity.

Trying to be friends with these types of people is hard. Because no matter what, you want to help them- while they are begging for it- but in the end will never help themselves. This is the equivalent of trying to pick up and move a brick wall. When being your friend is only good when it is convenient for them, or they can get something out of it.

What is the final straw in a situation like this? Is it when you no longer care? When their backwards way of thinking turns around and blames you for all the problems? Or when you just…. Give up completely? When the thought of them makes you more angry than anything, or when you no longer read the news while thinking “Today is the day, it’s the day I’ll see you on the front page, body found.”

I’d like to leave everyone on a happy note… But today, I don’t think I can find one.

It’s not the most eloquent thing I’ve ever written, so apologies for that.

 

Normally I would say “With love”, but today I’ll just say…

With all the caring I can manage,

Sirius

 

Advertisements

 

 

Have you ever walked through an area, thinking it’s devoid of life, only to sit and wait quietly for a few moments to discover all this little creatures and insects? Opening your eyes as you walk, not just lost in thought and see the little snail on the path in front of you, or the damsel fly’s who are hiding in the plants because they’re afraid you’re going to eat them, because to them, you are nothing but a big scary thing that’ll swoop down and catch them.

At times like this, I start to think about the huge important life that little bug has. Oh? It’s just a bug and it’s life is short and insignificant? Well….. So are our lives. I don’t mean that in the sense that life isn’t worth something, but think about all the people who have lived in the past that you don’t know about. No faces, no names, but you know they were there. Their progress in life is the proof that they lived.

Like insects, we’re born, we live, we build a place to live, we reproduce, we die. It’s just the way life goes, from the beginning of time that’s how it’s worked. Sure, you can say that they are people who’ve made a difference in the world through history, that’s true. But out of the approximate 107 Billion people who’ve lived on this earth, it’s a small percentage of folks who get their name known for something.  What does this have to do with bugs you ask?… I have no idea either, just my train of thought for the day.

So to end on a happy note that doesn’t feel so gloomy; Think about your life for a minute, pick some incredibly crazy thing to do today or maybe tomorrow, make life exciting. Run down the street in your underwear, kiss a total stranger, adopt a pet, quit the job you hate, move across the country! To quote the Queen here “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

 

With love,

Sirius

 

 

Midnight thoughts

In contemplating the world, one always makes it around to things like deja vu and soulmates.

Why do we experience deja vu at the most random moments? Why when I was putting the bowl of raspberries down next to my computer and taking my shirt off did I go, wait, what, why did that feel so strange? Or walking down the driveway and thinking about a dream from many years ago that I haven’t thought about for a long time, did I have the feeling that  I’ve already done that?

If you look up the definition of the phrase, it means “the feeling of already lived through” something. But… Why do we have this feeling?! What purpose does it serve? These are the types of questions that are nearly impossible to answer. Yes, you can say it’s because you’ve already done it before, which does help- a little-, but why do we dream things that will happen? HOW do we do that?

Soulmates?! Why… why does this subject cause so many arguments? I’m a firm believer that there is one person somewhere that is undeniably perfect for you. Weather you find them or not… that’s a whole other topic. In Plato’s: The Symposium, there is a quote that I first read at a young age and have always thought about- “According the Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves”. This has always been in the forefront of my mind when in the dating scene as an adult. If you do have to search for the One person… How many people do you have to meet before you find them?

But, on the scientific side of things, maybe soulmates are just the atoms that were next to each other when the universe was created, trying to find their way back.

How are you suppose to know who that one person is though? Is it the person you had a crush on in first grade? The ex you have that you swore you’d never let back in after they broke you for the last time, but you still get a jolt of happiness when you pass them on the street? Or is it the person you’re talking to on the internet right now, that you’ve never even met in person? I think what scares me the most, is we never really know, we just have to close our eyes… and jump. There’s always going to be self doubt with every decision we make, hoping it’s right while the excitement of what you’re about to do is turning butterflies in your stomach.

What will you regret more in life? What you did… Or what you didn’t do? It’s a question everyone will ask themselves… and have an answer for someday. All you can do now is… Hope.

 

With love,

Sirius

Picturesque little things

 

 

So, as one does trying to find inner peace for even a few moments, I’m trying to explore different options as to what makes a specific person happy. Seeing as murder is sort of frowned on, the logical answer was to try photography!

A few of my pictures make it to facebook, but most just stay on the computer. The thing I really like trying to get pictures of, even though it can be frustrating, is bugs! No idea why, it’s just a good feeling of getting that one perfectly clear picture, right before the little guy-usually- flies away.

After a crazy day dealing with people screaming at you, complete and utter chaos, and grown adults acting like children, its nice to get out in the peace and quite… more or less. The smell of fresh earth, not medical grade chemicals. The cool breeze on your face,  not the same stuffy air you’ve had to put up with because there are no windows that open. Listening to the sound of water running through the river, not the dog in kennel 4A whose been coughing up a storm all day. Feeling the tension just melt away… I don’t think there are words to do it justice.

So, in the future, when someone laughs at me again for crawling around in the dirt, nearly going backwards because I’m walking so slow looking at the plants for the perfect picture, I will just laugh along with them, because I now why I do this, and they… Don’t.

The moral to this little bit of rambling is: Do what makes you happy. No one can take the joy away from you. People may not understand and that’s okay, they don’t have to.

 

With love,

Sirius

Blogging take 2!

I never know how to start these, so I’ll just jump right in, shall I?

 

My life is not exciting, cool or very fun, but I like to write to get things off my chest. I’m currently the office manager for a vet clinic so I have lots of strange stories like all vet professionals. Some are sort of gruesome, and if I ever make it to wanting to share those, there will definitely be a warning.

I have my own set of issues I’m working through, like everyone on the planet. Complicated love life, next to no social life, a metric crap ton of medical problems, and I’m okay with that.

One thing that makes me happy: photography. So… Be prepared for some of that. I love my dogs, and food. Food is magic. A few friends, even fewer close friends, and then the like, 2 people I actually care about.

So, as an introduction… again, not bad? I’ll leave it at that for now.

With love,

Sirius