Storm Clouds

There is this misleading concept about mental health that people who have issues do it to themselves. That they see the negative in every little situation and then just focus on it until they’re in a “bad mood”, and the way people react to problems is “wrong”. That the solution is to just think positive and all the problems will magically go away.

 

When people ask me what it’s like to be in my head, I try my very best to explain it as simply as I can- and try to make it clear that more than one thing is happening at a time.

Most days, it’s like having 20 people whispering in my ear and saying all kinds of things to me, but, I can never quite understand what they are saying. Strange right? Try to think of listening to a podcast but with broken headphones, everything is just sort of mumbling along and you can’t interact with it, and the people just keep on talking. Differentiating between what’s in going on in my head and the buzz of people around me- it’s hard to describe that properly- is maddening.

Trying to be productive, play with my dogs, go to work- plain and normal things, is so exhausting to think about, let alone do. While I try to do these normal things it feels like I’m going in slow motion or walking through sand. Struggling to move, breath, walk and sometimes even talking is hard. Hell even trying to type this is stupidly hard.

These things I’ve learned to deal with- not well I might add- but good enough for now. Something else that happens is when anything makes me nervous or stressed or anxious- everything in my head turns off. I can’t function, everything goes grey in my head and I’m basically a walking zombie. I lose hours of time where I can’t remember what happened or what I did. Honestly it scares me. Sometimes I think that because of some of the illnesses I have that affect the connective tissues in my body that it also affects my memory, no proof to that of course, but it’s my theory.

 

Imagine living like that- never being able to be in the moment and happy; always either off or over processing the information around you to try and make it make sense. Being so mentally tired that you can sleep for 12, 14, 16 hours in a row and wake up and want nothing more than to go back to bed.

It’s like reliving a storm everyday. Calm and cloudy, then storm clouds roll in and turn everything grey, downpours of water and wind 100mph blowing everything around and messing everything up, bits of your life smashing into other things, all while having to stand there and knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it, then watching it calm some for the night and… just starting over the next day.

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until the day I die- You cannot think yourself into being healthy and happy when it comes to mental health, as much as we wish we can. At this time in my life, I feel like all I do is rearrange the flowers on a table in a burning house while saying ‘everything is better now, I’ve fixed it’.

 

 

Until next time,

With love,

Sirius

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