There’s a saying that I’ve had running in and out of my mind lately; Love someone who doesn’t love you back- you will die daily. I’m not sure where this came from, but I’ve found, so far in my life, that it’s true.
Why is it we are like this? The logical part of our brain says “No, don’t do this. This is not going to work. This person is not yours to love. This person is not yours to miss. Be reasonable, c’mon, Heart will love us better if you just listen to me. It’ll save so much agony.” But… I ignored Logic for Heart instead. Because life is short, I want to feel for this one specific person, of all the people on this world, I want This Person. I read something a while back that went along the lines of “Our ribs are cages because our hearts are wild animals, it must be contained.” I never fully and truly understood that until last year.
Anyone who knows me knows I’m a very closed off person, I never “dated” as a young person or teen. There were a handful- and by handful I mean 2- people I ever really liked. The first one… She broke my heart. But not like the way lovers do, the heart break you can feel coming, you see it from a mile away and yet still stand there and let it crush you. She broke my heart as a friend, which is- in my opinion worse. So, Lucky number 2, he was different, I knew going into it that nothing good would come of it. But, I listened to Heart, and Heart wanted it. I don’t regret either one, just to clarify if that’s how it sounds.
It wasn’t until I was almost 20 that I chose to start listening to Heart for once, which is what lead me to Lucky number 2. He’s different to Heart, Brain knows he’s not good for me, but that pesky Heart… I think Lucky is part of my problem lately, not directly of course… well maybe a little. That situation still has that unfinished, unsatisfied feeling all this time later. So much that was left unsaid, and I wish I could change it, but Lucky has a life, is engaged, and I will not go rock the boat with the petty little things I want to say to him. I’m not sure why he started with me, maybe knowing how much I’d been crushing on him for so long. Maybe because it was “just for fun.” Maybe he thought I’d be a fun side toy, I honestly don’t know, I wish I did.
So, this is what Brain had warned me about in the beginning. This is what Heart overlooked because it wanted to let someone in… to not feel all alone for a while. So to try and ignore the hurt, I turn off inside, the numbness is peaceful but lonely. Sometimes though… I forgot to not feel, and the raw emotions of it is so overpowering, all of it from this time with him comes out- excitement, fear, joy, dread, the anticipation, the playfulness and daring of it. The hundred other things he made me feel for a while that I can’t even begin to name. One thing I never tell anyone… Is just how much I miss it-him. Like hell I’ll ever actually tell him that, even though that would probably solve a lot of the emotional turmoil I have. Because, the way I was raised, that would be considered weak, and I am not weak… usually.
In my head, everything I say makes sense and doesn’t sound this cheesy, but hey, whatever works right? So, just for fun, if you made it this far into my thoughts, what would you do in my situation?…
(Something pretty to look at, because who knew it would be so hard to find the moon of my life?)