Monthly Archives: July 2017

Unexpected moments

Painting

Have you ever had a day where you said “Screw everything, I don’t want to adult today”, called in sick to work and just went on adventures?

Today was that day for me.

I’m a fairly hippy dippy person, I like finding pretty places to just sit and look at things. Flowers, trees, parks, gardens, rivers, lakes etc. So today, I went to the zoo and garden… mostly one of the garden areas. It’s a really pretty place that everyone is fairly quite in, not a lot of screaming children or young teens being obnoxious in, also is a great spot for wedding pictures- which is used frequently for that purpose.

So, as I’m happily sitting in the dirt among the flowers, watching the little hummingbird bees flying around, the dragon flies, ducks swimming and just messing with the little pebbles, I notice a man at the end of the walk way painting. Awesome! It’s a really beautiful place, lots of people go to paint, draw, or if you’re me- photograph it.

I was sitting there for a long, happy time. I’m a curious little thing though, I want to see what the man is painting. So, I happily get up walk over and start chatting with him… Only to notice he put me in the painting… Sitting in the flowers… I feel bad that I didn’t catch his name, he was a very nice man.

That one little thing… Made me so happy. It’s just a blob of blue, black, and tan, but for some reason it makes me happy.

 

Why is it the little, most unexpected things can make a person happy? Does something this small make other people just as happy? Or do they not care? I try to do little things for the people I care about, but most of the time it goes unnoticed. I will always still try though. Because… Happy… Happy is a wonderful thing.

 

With love,

Sirius

Mental, Physical and Life Tolls…. Of Emotions

Sweaty palms, racing heart, feeling like there’s a whole zoo of animals racing through your stomach, visibly shaking from head to toe, ice running in your veins… Why is this the effect of emotions on us?

We can go from being happy and laughing, to wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball on the floor and cry until there’s nothing left to cry about.

But there are some people, like me for example, who are very bad at expressing any emotions that isn’t anger. Anger and I, we’ve had a long, stupid, complicated relationship. Most people I meet don’t know anything different from me, and as much as I try and try, I can’t help that.I vaguely remember a quote- “The first thing we think is taught, the second is who we want to be.” Something along those lines.

The way my brain is, the first thing I think when I want to cry or be sad, grateful or elated is “Bad”. Any emotion is bad. But, the second thing I think to myself is- “No, it’s okay, you can do that.”

Sometimes I forget that though. For a very long time; I forget that. I bottle everything up until it all just explodes out of me at the most unexpected moments. All the sorrow, grief, happiness, sentiment, fear, pity, envy, love… Shame. I scream, cry, break things. I put my fist through a window a few years ago… I tried boxing… That lasted a week until I busted all the seems on the bag. But mostly, I cry. Which as one can sort of expect, leaves a persons so drained, so exhausted, that you may as well be a zombie. After everything is done, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I ignore my friends, I turn into a horrible dog parent, and I want nothing more than to sleep.

This is a very destructive behavior. It’s ruined relationships for me- I’ve had break downs so bad that my doctor suggested I see a therapist and a behaviorist, basically everything sort of sending me to the nut house. As a result, that’s why I’m writing these blogs, to try and work through this. So, to the guy who put up with this for a very long time, and then gave up because I couldn’t explain what was happening- Thank you, I really do mean it. I just wish I could find the courage to tell you why I’m like this. Am I angry that it ended the way it did? You bet your god damned ass I am, I am so mad at you.. that you left me. I understand why you did though. I’m mad at myself also, so don’t worry about that.  Mind you, this was a lifetime ago, this wound still feels new to me.

When you are the way I am, people will think you’re an awful person, dark humor, sarcasm in almost every sentence you say, to the point where people can’t tell if I’m joking or not. Sometimes I can’t even tell. However…. Despite all this negativity, there is an upside, believe it or not. For as horribly strong as the negative is, the positive is just as strong. It’s definitely not as often as the anger, but it happens. I’m so happy, so bubbly, that my co-works freak out a little bit, asking what happened to me, are you okay? Why are you so happy? It make’s me feel bad, that this is what they say, “Why am I happy?” That they only know me as being the “angry smurf” nickname I live up to.

I try so hard to be happy. People don’t know how hard it is, to fake something like that all the time. To have all this built up inside, have it eating away at me, knowing I’m burning the candle at both ends- trying to contain it while trying to be positive for the benefit of others. The weight of it all mentally, knowing that I’m better then this. Remembering a time in my life where I wasn’t like this.

People will tell you to “just get over it”, “just don’t think like that”, my personal favorite “It’s all in your head, just stop”. Yes, it is in my head… That’s how mental illness works… I can’t just… “Stop”.

To everyone who knows me now and sticks by me.. Thank you so much. You have no idea what it’s like to have friends like that. To have lost so many of the friends I grew up with because they got sick of my crap, it’s disheartening. I try so hard to be a good person, and friend but I know I suck most of the time.

To everyone who has yet to met me- please… just be patient. I’m a tough nut to crack, but… I think I’m worth it…

 

So, if you’ve skimmed the story to this point, read this if nothing else. If you know a person who sounds like me, please don’t give up on them. Don’t. Even when things are really bad, even when they push you away. Even when the scream and yell at you. Even if they say they hate you and don’t need you… They do. More than they know, they need someone. But… Don’t be pushy about it. Tell them that you’ll always be there no matter what happens, or how long it’s been since you’ve talked or seen them. Tell them that, and give them space. Not an hour, not a day, maybe a week, maybe a month. When they feel that everything is under control again, they’ll reach out if they feel safe around you.

I promise.

 

With love,

Sirius

Social Dynamics of Validation

Have you ever thought about why we all subconsciously strive for validation, even from complete strangers?

Why is it when we do things like post a picture for example, we sit there waiting for someone to like it, or comment on it. Even a picture not of you, something simple, like a feather. Even though you took the picture, you know it’s good and beautiful in your eyes, you still wait for someone to agree with you.  Why do humans think like this?

Oh what, you think you’ve never done that? Well think about it for a minute. Have you asked someone if that outfit looks good on you, if your new hair cut is good, if someone likes your new tattoo? Yes? Well then, you’ve looked for validation. Do we not trust our own judgment? Is that why we do it?

It’s not a bad thing really, but if your life gets to the point where you can’t do anything without someone else’s say so… Well… That’s not a healthy way to live. I have found myself asking others’ opinions on things that they shouldn’t have an opinion on, like my one of my tattoos, one of the more visible that I have. I was asking my sister who went with me what she thought. I was sending pictures to my mom asking her opinion. She wasn’t answering me for about half an hour, and I was happy with the way it looked. You know what happened? She said she didn’t like this one big part of it, and after everything was all said and done? It has ended up being my favorite part.

The take away I learned from that experience? That while other people can give you their opinion, yours is the only one that matters at the end of the day. Your life, your choices. People can’t make choices for you. You can be influenced by them, absolutely, but at the end of the day, You made the choice.

I’m not sure what brought this train of thought on tonight, but it’s very interesting to think about. Have humans always been this way? Has it gotten worse the more social media grows? Having access to millions of people world wide without having to leave your house? I would think that, if nothing else, that has pushed us into looking for approval more. Being able to say or post a picture of something we have/done for basically the world to see, instantly?

 

While seeking approval and validation is good for somethings, don’t let it consume your life.

 

With love,

Sirius FeatherFeather2Orangeflower2

….Monster, the horrific story.

There is a story that has been haunting me almost every day for months. It’s the story of a cat named Monster, a very sweet boy who met a very tragic end way to early.  I think it’s time I shared it with you, mainly because… Well, I don’t know.
*If you are sensitive to fairly…. descriptive things, I’d recommend not reading, or skipping a few parts.*

So first things first in this story, the clinic I work at is very…. old school. We have been trying to bring it into the 21st century, but when old guys are stuck in their ways, its hard to voice any ideas, especially when one is a young female in this work place.

A few months ago Monster come in as an emergency, he had a huge inguinal hernia, abdominal muscles were absolutely shredded, and his pancreas had- for lack of better wording here- exploded. For the benefit of those people who aren’t well versed in medical terminology, it’s when tissues in the groin push through a weak area or areas in the abdominal muscles… That combined with the tissues already having sustained major trauma already, meant is was really ugly.  

Dr. E  did really good putting this poor guy back together. Monster stayed at the clinic with us being very closely monitored- because an injury like this could easily become infected- for about a week before he was sent home. He mad amazing progress in healing and was happily eating and drinking.  Discharge instructions were to keep him on antibiotics, twice a day for another two weeks.
Not 5 damn days later, he’s back. His mom “forgot” to give him the medication. So now he has a massive infection and does not look good at all. Keep in kind, this wound is about 7in X 5in spreading a crossed his entire abdomen because…. Infection spreads like wildfire . Old school vet clinic that it is, there no wound vac, his whole abdomen is…. bad. So he gets all medicated and we keep a close eye on him.
The Day our primary vet Dr. E is leaving for vacation, he takes a turn for the worst. Because isn’t that just how life works?

Apparently no one had bothered to check on him all morning, so when afternoon shift goes in we do our normal routine of checking- I do the dogs and Jess does the cats.

 Jess comes running into the lobby freaking out because what is left of his tissue has rotted away and we can now see his insides -the terminology for something like that happening to the tissues is called slough, for anyone who cares. Seeing as Dr. E is gone, the mostly retired Dr. G is “taking care of” all Dr. E’s clients. 
*Side note that’s good to know to understand this dynamic a little bit better
Dr. G is about 150 years old, and still thinks like an old school farm vet. No care to upgrade the clinic or practice, and doesn’t keep up with new studies, medication, ways of doing anything. I’m talking file x-rays… and *Gag* carpet in the lobby. Anyway, back to our story.
Dr. G proceeds to stick his fingers in Monsters open wound and twiddle around… with clients standing there horrified watching. The screams the cat made, it was like nothing I’ve ever heard. If there is a sound I never wish to heard in my life, it’s that.

I immediately call Dr. E to see where he is and if he can just come look at kitty, and call Monsters’ mom to come down.  Meanwhile, Dr. G goes in the back and starts poking around at kitty with no anesthetic- and I mean shoving guts back and forth, and making his insides squish around, I got a really good view of his liver for a minute, that’s who bad we’re talking.

After about 10 minutes of poking Dr. E shows up and pretty much goes “Oh ew, that’s bad” and then leaves. After me basically screaming that unless this cat goes to a state of the art clinic- like the one 10 minutes from us, there’s nothing we can do to fix it. Dr. G is honest to god standing there trying to sew this poor thing back together! Infected skin to infected skin, no gloves, and manages to wrap the sutures around the intestines before the skin gives way in a horrid ripping sound that there are no word’s to describe. The whole time this cat is crying in pain BECAUSE NO ANESTHETIC!

His mom arrives and said “no, he’s in too much pain, I don’t think its fair he should go through this.” Good choice lady. As is the logical thing to do, now we’re trying to get kitty to pass on and Dr. G just left in the middle of this. Myself and two others are the only ones there, and this cat won’t jut let go! His blood pressure was so low that the solution won’t travel to his heart. It took injecting it directly to get him to pass on. We just stand there in complete and utter shock looking at this mess for a good 2 minutes before we start slowly cleaning up everything. 

So, if you’ve made it this far in my story, I am sorry if it scars you a little, but you wen’t there. I have nightmares about this. 

I think the reason I have to share this is just that; I still have nightmares about this cat. I just need to get it our of my head and on paper, well not really paper.
This is the situation that made me start questioning my job at this clinic, and ever since  I’ve just seen things get progressively worse and worse.
With as much caring as I can manage,
Sirius

Toxic Sweetness

How much is too much? How much can you stand to be pushed, pulled and stretched until you reach the point when you snap and call everything quits? How much mental manipulation can you listen to, knowing full well what someone is trying to do to you while you just stand there and take it, because you care so much for them? Trying so hard to be there for them, help them in the worst situation they’ve been in, in a very long time. Try to console them when, time after time, they come to you crying? Knowing that they use you and your relationship to lie and cheat on significant people in their lives. Using the small humans they have as pawns in the game. When they call you knowing full well that they are on the shit list for a bit, but having the kids say “Oh we miss you, we miss you. Mommy misses you. Why haven’t we seen you?”

The thing with these types of people, is they think it’s normal. Constantly lying to you, people you know, people they live with- it’s normal. Unhealthy. These type’s of situations are plainly and simply unhealthy for everyone involved. When being the outside perspective; you can see everything that’s happening, and trying to get the ones involved to see it to, is next to impossible. Repeating the same thing over and over and over…and over, while all the time not being able to figure out what’s wrong is- by definition- insanity.

Trying to be friends with these types of people is hard. Because no matter what, you want to help them- while they are begging for it- but in the end will never help themselves. This is the equivalent of trying to pick up and move a brick wall. When being your friend is only good when it is convenient for them, or they can get something out of it.

What is the final straw in a situation like this? Is it when you no longer care? When their backwards way of thinking turns around and blames you for all the problems? Or when you just…. Give up completely? When the thought of them makes you more angry than anything, or when you no longer read the news while thinking “Today is the day, it’s the day I’ll see you on the front page, body found.”

I’d like to leave everyone on a happy note… But today, I don’t think I can find one.

It’s not the most eloquent thing I’ve ever written, so apologies for that.

 

Normally I would say “With love”, but today I’ll just say…

With all the caring I can manage,

Sirius

 

 

 

Have you ever walked through an area, thinking it’s devoid of life, only to sit and wait quietly for a few moments to discover all this little creatures and insects? Opening your eyes as you walk, not just lost in thought and see the little snail on the path in front of you, or the damsel fly’s who are hiding in the plants because they’re afraid you’re going to eat them, because to them, you are nothing but a big scary thing that’ll swoop down and catch them.

At times like this, I start to think about the huge important life that little bug has. Oh? It’s just a bug and it’s life is short and insignificant? Well….. So are our lives. I don’t mean that in the sense that life isn’t worth something, but think about all the people who have lived in the past that you don’t know about. No faces, no names, but you know they were there. Their progress in life is the proof that they lived.

Like insects, we’re born, we live, we build a place to live, we reproduce, we die. It’s just the way life goes, from the beginning of time that’s how it’s worked. Sure, you can say that they are people who’ve made a difference in the world through history, that’s true. But out of the approximate 107 Billion people who’ve lived on this earth, it’s a small percentage of folks who get their name known for something.  What does this have to do with bugs you ask?… I have no idea either, just my train of thought for the day.

So to end on a happy note that doesn’t feel so gloomy; Think about your life for a minute, pick some incredibly crazy thing to do today or maybe tomorrow, make life exciting. Run down the street in your underwear, kiss a total stranger, adopt a pet, quit the job you hate, move across the country! To quote the Queen here “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

 

With love,

Sirius

 

 

Midnight thoughts

In contemplating the world, one always makes it around to things like deja vu and soulmates.

Why do we experience deja vu at the most random moments? Why when I was putting the bowl of raspberries down next to my computer and taking my shirt off did I go, wait, what, why did that feel so strange? Or walking down the driveway and thinking about a dream from many years ago that I haven’t thought about for a long time, did I have the feeling that  I’ve already done that?

If you look up the definition of the phrase, it means “the feeling of already lived through” something. But… Why do we have this feeling?! What purpose does it serve? These are the types of questions that are nearly impossible to answer. Yes, you can say it’s because you’ve already done it before, which does help- a little-, but why do we dream things that will happen? HOW do we do that?

Soulmates?! Why… why does this subject cause so many arguments? I’m a firm believer that there is one person somewhere that is undeniably perfect for you. Weather you find them or not… that’s a whole other topic. In Plato’s: The Symposium, there is a quote that I first read at a young age and have always thought about- “According the Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves”. This has always been in the forefront of my mind when in the dating scene as an adult. If you do have to search for the One person… How many people do you have to meet before you find them?

But, on the scientific side of things, maybe soulmates are just the atoms that were next to each other when the universe was created, trying to find their way back.

How are you suppose to know who that one person is though? Is it the person you had a crush on in first grade? The ex you have that you swore you’d never let back in after they broke you for the last time, but you still get a jolt of happiness when you pass them on the street? Or is it the person you’re talking to on the internet right now, that you’ve never even met in person? I think what scares me the most, is we never really know, we just have to close our eyes… and jump. There’s always going to be self doubt with every decision we make, hoping it’s right while the excitement of what you’re about to do is turning butterflies in your stomach.

What will you regret more in life? What you did… Or what you didn’t do? It’s a question everyone will ask themselves… and have an answer for someday. All you can do now is… Hope.

 

With love,

Sirius